A Change For the Better
by Rhianwen
Summary: There's been an odd queasiness turning his stomach, on top of all the other queasiness that this week has left him with, every time he's thought about how damn glad Toki had been to see him go.


A Change For the Better

* * *

Summary: There's been an odd queasiness turning his stomach, on top of all the other queasiness that he's been left with from this whole mess, every time he's thought about how damn _glad_ Toki had been to see him go, jumping enthusiastically into the empty place he'd left behind.

* * *

A year ago, the timid knock at his bedroom door wouldn't have come as a surprise.

Well, that's not completely true; a year ago, Toki probably wouldn't have bothered to knock, so excited about whatever batshit insanity had captured his attention that basic etiquette wouldn't have even occurred to him. And even if he _had_ knocked, it wouldn't have been timid.

But that was last year, and this is now, and they aren't the friends they used to be. It seems like none of them are the friends they used to be, Nathan's sporadic and ham-fisted attempts at forcing this _family_ idea on them notwithstanding.

Goddammit, what is Toki even _doing_ here? All Skwisgaar wants right now is to be left alone to process losing the closest thing he's ever had to a father – the _only_ thing he's ever had close to a father. Why the _fuck_ can't Toki just wait until the next meeting, so he can waste everyone's time at once?

"What you wants?" he snaps after a good thirty seconds of Toki hovering near the door, studiously avoiding eye contact as he starts to speak up and then falls into frustrated silence. "If you's just goings to stands there makingks fish noises, den gets out. Ams busy."

"I'm happies you came back," Toki finally mumbles to the floor, shifting awkwardly from foot to foot.

Yeah, he looks _real_ happy about it. He looks fucking _overjoyed_ , the way he can't so much as look up, let alone come within five feet of Skwisgaar .

"Dids Nathan sends you to says that?"

Toki's expression is telling, half guilty and half resentful, and he feels his lip curl up into a sneer. He doesn't need this shit, however well meant.

"Why don'ts you go tells to Nathan that if he has to send peoples to bothers me, he shoulds send somebody important next time?"

Toki flinches, and when he looks up, his eyes are brighter than usual. Skwisgaar rolls his eyes; is the little dildo _crying?_

But when he speaks, his voice contains no trace of tears, only cold anger.

"I ams glad you's back, you know. I just wouldn'ts have said nothing if Nathan doesn't makes me, because I never knows if we's allowed to cares about each other this week or nots. You guys keeps changins the rules and nobodies ever tells to Toki." He laughs, and it's the bitterest sound Skwisgaar has heard from him in a long time. "Or is only the _importants_ people alloweds to care?"

Without waiting for an answer, he's gone, slamming the door so hard behind him that the walls rattle.

Skwisgaar sits, stunned to immobility, fingers hovering over the strings of his guitar. Then he gives a gentle scoff and resumes his playing.

But the frown creasing his brows eases slightly, the grey cloud that's been hanging over him since his return from Sweden begins to dissipate, and he thinks that tomorrow, he'll venture from his room for longer than the time it takes to have a sandwich and find some booze.

Because as much as it annoys him to have Nathan mucking about in his business, and sending Toki to do the same, as much as the words were reluctantly given, it's nice to hear.

There's been an odd queasiness turning his stomach, on top of all the other queasiness that he's been left with from this whole mess, every time he's thought about how damn _glad_ Toki had been to see him go, jumping enthusiastically into the empty place he'd left behind. It's only gotten worse since he prodded Nathan for details about how things have been without him.

He'd been looking for comforting confirmation that Toki had played like shit and dragged them all down to unexplored levels of suck, and he'd hoped to enjoy a laugh with the frontman over it, but had been disappointed.

 _No, his playing was fine,_ Nathan had shrugged. _It's been a long time since I've heard him play like that. I think you'd have been, I don't know, pretty happy with it. But he just went way over the top. This isn't goddamned musical theater._

But he's back now, and doesn't plan to leave again, not when his mother finally managed to give him some semblance of lasting happiness, and then destroyed it just as soon as he began to rely on it. If nothing else it's shown him that people never change, not his mother and not him, and the gods themselves frown upon him living out his days as a regular jackoff. Okay, dudes, lesson learned.

He knows Toki well enough to know that he _is_ glad to have him back, however conflicted he might be about it, just as he knows himself well enough to know that they're never, ever going to talk anything else his bandmate had to say.

But the words will linger in his mind, and when, in the not too far future, Toki is reinstated into the band along with Murderface, he'll half wish that Nathan would do just a little more mucking, and urge him to go tell Toki what Toki told him. Hell, Murderface too, because Nathan is right, this doesn't work without all of them, and they all deserve to know that.

He'll almost take the initiative and do it without prodding when Toki's mask of cheerful indifference to everything around him, the only expression anyone's seen on him in weeks, slips for just a second when Nathan can't seem to come up with a single reason for taking him back, not a single thing that he contributes.

Skwisgaar will almost pull him aside later and tell him: _I'm glad things are back to normal, you're one of us, you're a part of our sound, you're_ important _, and I don't like the idea that I might have convinced Nathan otherwise, we'd rather have you than not, but for the love of God, don't get dragged into any more stupid Murderface schemes._

But then he'll remember what a fucking _idiot_ Toki has been lately, ignore the possibility that it's because he's gotten the idea that nothing he does matters anyway, the possibility that the little idiot is just trying his hardest to get a goddamn reaction.

He'll leave Murderface to Nathan, and Toki to his own devices, to his new _friends_ (and God, he'll regret that one later), and nothing will change.

But eventually, he'll find himself sitting at his unconscious bandmate's hospital bed, feeling like his chest might explode with the relief of having him back, safe and recovering if not entirely well just yet, and it'll all come in a (totally gay) rush.

 _We missed you, idiot. We need you._ I _need you. It was Hell when you were gone. Don't ever do that to me again. I'm going to keep you on a fucking kid leash from now on, to make sure you don't._

And he'll storm away, mortified, nevertheless determined that he'll be back and he'll say all of it again, when Toki is awake to hear it.

And maybe, then, things can change for the better.


End file.
